That January Feeling

For whatever reason, each month of the year evokes a particular feeling in me - something sensory and intangible and difficult to describe, but very, very distinct. Sort of like those randomly scented candles from Pier One (I once bought one named "baked" - it smelled great) or the names of colors from J. Crew (how would you know that "flag" means "blue"?). For instance, my October is chilly and crisp (like an apple, I guess) and smells like smoke from a chimney and isn't very sunny. All of that wrapped together, plus something else.

Since high school, my January feeling has been dominated by a general sense of misery and letdown. Christmas and my birthday are over. It's cold out. And even though I've been out of high school for almost 12 years (ridiculous) I can't shake the dread of exams. Phantom dread, I guess.

This year feels a little different, though. Maybe it's that 2005 will be my first full year married, which is, for me, a pretty relaxed state. Maybe it's that my business is starting to pick up and I'm excited about what's to come. Maybe it's that my writing's going well. Maybe it's that I'm happy to have 2004, with my crappy job, hectic wedding plans and stressful election season behind me. Or, most likely, its a combination of all those factors, plus some other things I just don't realize. But this year, for the first time since I can remember, January feels more like September - just a little crisp, but full of potential.